SATs & Split Second Self-Doubt

We went to Cambridge this weekend.  Summie was signed up to take the SATs.  We arrived on Friday afternoon.  I hadn't really prepared for the trip, beyond finding a dog-friendly, centrally located hotel.

We strolled around to locate ourselves.  

I learnt that the University is not dog-friendly, when I was asked to leave its grounds with Bruno.

Figure in the background advancing to inform us to leave...  OOPS.

(Note:  While I can understand that not everywhere is dog-friendly, this policy caught me by some surprise, for my dog Mickey Mouse, attended almost all my classes with me, at UCLA.  Then again, that's LA.  Where service smiles and smiles at you, even as you order raw, vegan, off the menu, and where the sun is always shining.  Go Bruins!)

We walked on.

Back at Hotel du Vin, we were allowed to eat at the Bar with Bruno.

Yummy!

Decor-wise, Hotel du Vin is dressed in too much brown.  But the bed was comfortable, shower powerful, service attentive, and we were given as requested, a quiet room.

7:30am, I am waiting with Summie at Sixth Form College for the doors to open.  

12:30pm, I am waiting at the same spot for her to exit the building.

The wind picks up.  I keep waiting with my very patient, excellent travel companion.  The unfamiliar feeling of self-doubt begins to creep up on me.  

Usually, I don't really question my parenting skills because for the most part, I am too busy living life too fully.  Plus, years of dance, teaching and working with 100s (not kidding) of young dancers have taught me the importance of listening.  The older she gets, the more complicated it can sometimes get, to parent.  The one thing I have clung to is, listening.  

Listening to her.  

Sometimes, this drives me nuts.  

But my daughter means everything to me.  

The Husband and I, we are strict parents.  My mother was as strict.  But she was also very absent.  So I am sitting in the cold and thinking, no one waited for me after ballet, after school, after an exam.  No one assisted me with college applications.  Am I over-indulging my teen?  When is that umbilical cord ever cut?

At 1:30pm, she bounces out of the building, visible relief on her face, throws her arms around me.  She insists on carrying our bags, and all through the train ride back to London she profusely thanks me for coming with her, and doing all that I (still) do.

And here's the magical part.  Even as I am listening to her gush, she is listening to me share about the reality of college choices, and re-doing the SATs again.

Back home in London, I decide to fortify her with LOVE.

LOVE!

Her last meal at home was brunch today.  I fixed her something a little special.

TA DA!

My husband calls me and banishes all self-doubt.

I say goodbye to Summie at noon.  I tell her to have a wonderful new term back at school.  Bruno and I walk back from Paddington, with the wind whipping.

Here's what I think-  This mother's love is ferocious.  

I tell Summie, never be afraid.  Mommy is in your heart.