New Year

                                                                      He's gone.

On the last morning of 2014, I experienced for the first time on horseback, a white winter.

The beauty of the morning was silencing.  Dumpling walked on, carefully picking his feet.  

2013 was a Mountain.  2014, the year of the horse.  2015?

2015 stretches before me, around me- a blankness.

Where am I going to live?  What happens next?  What am I going to do for the rest of- 

Andrew Edmunds in Soho and unexpected jazz at Blakes on New Year's Eve.

His hand covering mine.  His voice pulling me closer, closer.  

I know you don't believe in marriage, Baby, but I do, I do.

New Year's Day, we contemplated a tiny cottage for sale.  We visited SF, unannounced.

 In the afternoon, the day got sweeter.  We met British Aunt and Uncle for tea.

If he is like his father, then you are a very lucky girl- British Aunt said to me.

Don't jump ship!  Trace said.  They need you!

Mom?  Daddy and I are not trains on tracks.  We are more like two ships.  We take you for granted.  But without you, we are lost at sea.  Wherever the tide moves, we just get swept along...

At Terminal 2:  Should I take my jacket off, Baby, and pack it in?

No, keep it with you.  In case something terrible happens, you may need to stay warm.  And if anything happens, make sure you put the life jacket on and cover your wine glass with your hand.

Cover my wine glass?

Yes, so the wine won't spill all over you.

I made you laughed and you circled me tighter, tighter in your arms.

I want to live and live.  PS on the other hand, is quite happy to go even if now, British Uncle told us.

Yes, British Aunt said.  I've done so much.  I'm ready  Besides, I believe in the right to die.

Last night the wind rattled windows, and awakened from sleep, your legs entangled mine.

One day, I will be frail.  

No, Baby, you have your Popo's genes!

Popo is frail!

Only when she turned 94, and got sick.  But look at her now!

But I am accepting of being frail...

No, Baby, because who will take care of me, the way you do?

Time has speed I can't quite grasp.  

Too soon all I see is your back.  You turning, and waving, turning and waving. 

Then you are swallowed by doors, by distance.  I can't see you anymore.  The pain is as acute as it is familiar.  You are like your father.  And I am a very lucky girl.