Sombre/Somber

Went to bed sombre, woke up, somber.

It was supposed to be a straightforward review of the broken arm.  

But once the doctor saw the x-rays, a shadow crossed the room.  A second opinion was quickly sought, then a third.  I sat in a quiet room with the very best in hand-elbow-arm in Singapore, listening to them discuss subluxation, compressed fracture, radial head, ulna, flexion, extension, rotation, physiotherapy, limited range of motion, surgery.

There's also a piece of bone, adrift.

When can I get back on a horse?  Will I ever be able to cartwheel again?  Kick up into handstand?  Do a push-up?  Move my arms like this?

It's one thing to halt a dance career by choice.  It's another to thing altogether to suddenly be confronted with the possibility/reality of losing the full range of motion of a limb.

I know not being able to cartwheel is not in the same category of true catastrophe; heartbreak, loss, sickness, disease, poverty, war crimes.  But being able to throw your body in a moving circular shape, on your hands instead of your feet, feels like a spontaneous smile- that simple, that joyful.

One of the kindest things ever said to me was what he said yesterday-

It's just the way it is with you athletes.  He didn't say anything else.  Instead he's put aside a few minutes in his morning routine to help me with my contact lenses.  He's bought a bucket and a ladle, set up an area for me to bathe.

The last time I hurt my other arm was right in the middle of production and a tour.  The show went on as it must.  I learnt to dance with that arm in a cast.

Backstage with YW, waiting to go on.

Early tomorrow morning, I am scheduled for surgery.  Post-op, I know there will be the usual pain, discomfort, vomiting and nausea.  I've asked for the option to return home.

And then the journey will truly begin.  Some combination of rest, and the re-educating of a mended arm to build strength, and move, move again.

photo credit- Eric Nakamura