I have never ever had a more clandestine shopping experience.
I'm a bit conflicted about writing this post. My daughter, The Shopaholic, is encouraging me to. She thinks my experience may help someone else who covets this bag, or that bag.
Truth is, I have no patience, nor interest in "retail therapy". I needed a new bag for fall. I walked into the store. I walked out. I walked back in.
There was a lady at the store yesterday. She is of Middle Eastern descent. I've seen her on Sloane Street. She is very beautiful. Her face is impeccably made up, her hair artfully arranged beneath the correct silk scarf. There is the requisite bag carried in the bent of her elbow, and her feet are covered in alligator heels.
Standing next to her in my blistered feet, balancing Bruno in his pod, I may have easily been mistaken as her personal help.
But, I have great posture. And in the soft morning light, I have Kim's face.
So the Sales Assistant (SA) I suspect, mistakes me as an unidentifiable Asian celebrity, and offers me, X, in purple crocodile and diamonds.
Note- the SA whispers this to me like a ventriloquist- without once moving his facial muscles.
I whisper back- That's so kind of you, thanks! But I can't afford that. And my husband will surely have a coronary if he saw that charged to him!
The entire experience is shrouded in mystery and secret code language. Blink and you will miss cookie crumbs being left your way leading you to the Holy Grail. If you approach an SA and state a direct fact (I want to buy X), chances are you will be bitterly disappointed with a direct answer (We do not have any Xs for sale). If you ask a direct question (When will there be new stock/ When will there be delivery), you will receive the swift crushing reply of No One Knows.
From my perspective, better to exercise patience, zen-like aura, and present yourself as bait. The rules of consumerism are changed in this shop. The customer has no authority. You do not have the choice to buy. It is the SA with the power to decide, if you are worth selling to.
The beautiful lady is breaking down. Her voice shakes with hysteria- anger, frustration. She tells the SA that she has been returning to the shop daily for the last ______. And each day, the SAs are telling her there is no stock.
The store is crowded with Chinese tourists from the Mainland and clusters of women from the Middle East. The SAs are harangued continually.
Summie, Bruno and I simply found a spot away from the madness and waited, and waited. We kept calm, quiet. Another SA approaches me. She looks at me directly in the eye, speaking without words. When she finally speaks (in whispers!), she tells me to wait upstairs, so that I will be shielded from the public.
(This is the truth. It was that crazy and surreal a shopping day.)
Upstairs, we are alone and the next few moments pass in a very languid manner. The SA helping me now presents the shopping experience as one of complete indulgence and without haste. 15 minutes later, my purchase is tied up with ribbons, and he then proceeds to escort us out of the store, so as to prevent a riot from breaking out.
Some Other Thoughts:
After successfully presenting yourself as bait, do not unleash any diva or bratty behaviour. Security is at hand to lead such shoppers out. Best be very, very polite. Know what you are looking for. Be honest if you don't. The SAs have knowledge and they are there to help. Take all cues from the SAs at ALL times. Put on your best poker face. Do not reveal that you are going to get lucky with a bag in front of others. Speak in soft tones, and listen carefully to what is not said. And if there truly is no stock that day, thank the SAs appropriately, try to establish a genuine rapport and show that you are a nice person. Be authentically you. Chances are the SA while saying goodbye to you, may just offer a glimmer of hope, for when she just might sell you something, the next time you return.
Location: 155 New Bond Street, W1S 2UA
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